Dog Humour
God Creates Dog
On the first day, God created the Dog. On the second day, God created man to serve the Dog. On the third day, God created all the other animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the Dog. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the Dog. On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the Dog might or might not retrieve it. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Dog healthy and the man broke. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he couldn't because he had to walk the Dog.
Dog Handler's Lament
"There was a time, there really was, When I was young and
tender
When show dog meant a Disney star and "bitch" was not a gender.
"I went to bed at half past ten, I went to church on Sunday,
On Saturday I baked the beans,And did the wash on Monday.
"But then I got a certain pup, And erstwhile friend said "Show"
and so I did, and so I do, Oh, what I didn't know!
"Once I dressed with flair and style, That was the life, don't knock
it!
Now every dress from bed to ball, Must have a good bait pocket!
"I used to have a certain air, I wallowed in perfume
I used to smell like Nuit d'Amour,Now I smell like Mr. Groom.
"My furniture was haute decor, my pets, a tank of guppies,
Now I've furniture unstuffed, And well adjusted puppies.
"I used to long for furs and jewels, and a figure classed as super
But now, the thing I yearn for most Is a nice new pooper scooper.
"I was taught to be well groomed, no matter where I went-
Now all the grooming I do is in the handler's tent.
"While once I spoke in pristine prose, In dulcet tones and frail--
I now am using language that would turn a sailor pale.
"I addored a man who murmured verse, through intimate little dinners--
But now the words I thrill to hear are just three--"Best of Winners!"
"I rise at dawn and pack the car, the road ahead's a long one.
The one I've routed on the map is invariably the wrong one!
"I really love my doggy life, I wouldn't care to change it,
But when I get the Best In Show, I could maybe rearrange it.
"And when my days on earth are done, I'll go without much nudging,
Just give me three weeks closing date, and let me know who's judging!"
Shakespeare?
A dog named Hamlet frolics,
on the Melon family grounds,
The results of careless breeding
midst the Melon family hounds.
A Great Dane known as Rowdy,
A Collie known as Jane,
Are sire and dam of Hamlet-
He's the Melon Collie/Dane.
DOGS AND COMPUTERS
The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies
tail wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL ... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable
Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe is still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dog's Don't Use Computers ....
1. TrO{gO DsA mM,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqs,.* *
1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.
Page Three- How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Bulb
Page Four- How Dogs And Men Are The Same, How Dogs Are Better